Scattered Marbles

Moving on is Healthy, Right?

I am starting a new job today!  (The exclamation mark is to try and bring my mood up.)  I was hired on Thursday at a local liquor store.  I truly am glad to have something to move on to.  I am really glad that they are willing to give me a chance and a job.  I am still mourning though.  I WANT to be positive.  This is not a long term job.  This is not a career.  This is a part time job to keep me from going stark, raving mad, and to give me a chance to see that the workplace can be fun.  It is totally different from any other place I have ever worked, except my best friend is the assistant manager.  (She had no hand in my hiring)  I need a break, and I need to move on with my life.

I started a new pair of socks the other night.  Using Opal's Flamingo colourway.  I tried several patterns for the leg, but it is just my plain vanilla sock now.  It looks good.  I often knit socks when marking a change or event in my life.  So this is my pink "Get a Life and Get Over It" pair.  Ariann is waiting for me to work on her a little more.  I might try a pair of socks with that pattern for the leg.  That is a thought.  First I need to finish a few of the projects that I have on the needles.  I need to stop buying needles because the ones I have are in projects that I have put aside.  What a concept!

Ariann

BLAH, I lost my last post!

I have restarted Ariann.  After reading through the KAL blog, I decided that my cast on was too tight.  I had never had that problem with the Cable cast on before, but maybe my knitting has changed with the dozens of socks I have cast on in the past few years.  So I used the long-tail cast on and kept on going from there.  It looks wonderful!  I added a buttonhole at the beginning of the pattern row because I don't really like the look without one.  (My 40-something body speaking?) I don't know if I will knit the belt either, but I will wait and see what I think at the end of the sweater.  Right now it is humming along.  The pattern is easy to keep track of, and is a pleasure to knit.  Another of Bonne Marie's successes!  I do need to learn how to knit buttonholes that look a whole lot nicer than what mine do.  Even my practice ones look nice.  On the sweater... not so good.  But from a galloping horse, I am sure no one will notice.  Now to get my FTP program reinstalled on this computer and I can show some pictures of this beauty, strange buttonholes and all!

The rest of my life is still rather frustrating.  Time is healing much of the anger issues, but the self-hatred is still quite strong.  I know there was nothing I could do.  I was targeted.  I showed a level of competence, ambition, and intelligence that the library management didn't want exhibited by their peons.    On the other hand, I can see what sparks my interest in library science, and although I am just working on my technicians diploma, I also want to develop expertise in a couple of other areas that will end up creating my own niche in that field.  Who knows if I will be able to get a job at the end of it all?

A real dream is that yarn stores would be a lucrative business around here.  I would love to be able to spend time playing with different yarns, and fibres, having the time to knit and spin, and talk to customers and just love what I was doing while making a living wage.  Talking to local yarn store owners has convinced me that this is a starry eyed dream that could have me committed.  So for now, I am going to work towards completing my studies, keep knitting as a hobby, and perhaps one day, discover that I am HAPPY!  What a concept that would be!

I never have luck with avatars.  This was a fun one to make though.  It would be super if the horoscope would come true.  I can dream, right?

Bravado doesn't always cut it

Despite the bravado of the last post, I am edging ever closer to the cliff face.  Bravado doesn't help me sleep at night, nor does it shut my mind up and allow me to focus on getting my life back together.  It makes me feel stronger, and then stupid, and then just allows all the questions to come pouring back into my monkey mind.  I know I am depressed, yet I cannot stand being alone, and I really cannot stand being around others.  I rely on tiny white pills to help me to sleep.  At last count, 6 didn't help, but worked well with a glass of Baileys.

It was just a job dammit!  Why can't I get passed that?  Many people lose their jobs everyday.  Some have even made a career out of it.  I guess it is because it was my job and at one point I really loved it, and I hoped that the time would come that I would find that love again.   I even planned to make a career of library work, and was going to school towards that end.

I just want to curl up in a little ball and sleep.  I want to slash my arms to ribbons, revel in the pain and in the lessening of life force.  I want to hurt myself so much so that I can never feel pain again.  None of  those are real options, but they don't stop me from craving them.

I know this is a really down post, and wouldn't normally post it to this site.  However, I also know that nobody ready my pithy writings, so  I am  safe from offending anyone's delicate sensibilities.

Takes a licking but keeps on ticking

Kim mentions being in another descent into hell.  I don't know what her case is, but I can sure enough relate to it.

Hell has played a massive amount of havoc around here for the past year or so, and right now I feel as though I have reached the bottom.  But I am not going to take it anymore.  I had a job I loved, but the management and supervisory staff left a lot to be desired.  I tried to work around that.  Keep my head down and plow on, but it didn't get any better.  The pay sucked, the bosses sucked, and quite frankly the level of stress sucked.  The rules applied only to certain people, and they changed according to who was discussed.  SO I am gone.  This isn't what I wanted.  There was still a lot I loved about that job, but I will no longer bow down to people I cannot  hold any respect for.  I will no longer allow myself to work my butt off for a job when I am despised for working so hard.  There are jobs a-plenty in Alberta, I just need to gather enough self confidence to go find another one.

Away from that dead horse!  I haven't been knitting much.  I have wanted to, but trying to motivate myself when I was trying to keep myself from going under at work was just not working.  My hope is that my excema will now clear up, and my bronchitis (7 weeks of ) along with my migraines will go away.  Bang, that will elevate my energy, and I will uncover that personality that has been hidden under all the stress and gloom, and bitchiness.  Maybe I am a bitch anyway, but I want to be so on my terms not on those of the library.  So a better person!

I have been looking at going back to college and getting a diploma.  My eldest daughter does medical transcription.  While at first glance this doen't seem to be a good fit for me, the more I have researched it, the better it looks.  It is a one year program, with lots of available jobs, plus many of the skills I already have are ones I can put into use.  And the pay is pretty good.  Much better than library work anyway.  Yes, I am still bitter, but I am not going to allow this to wreck the rest of my life.

My buddy, depression, has followed me around since I was 3 years old.  Even on medication things never reach wonderful.  But I want to start reaching for the brass ring again, and I want to start trying to believe that I can catch it.  And I want to have my life back to a point where I am happy with what I have and not looking inside for that piece that one person has decided they don't like.  If that person is me, then I can carve it out, but no one else has the right to make me doubt myself or my abilities.  I can turn a sock heel!  I can do anything!!! (perhaps a little too much coffee this morning)